There are so many things that you are told, read or just believe before you have a baby but then the moment it's happening all of that just vanishes. The fear they put in you about co-sleeping, they pretty much make it out that if she touches the bed when we're in that's it we might as well order the coffin now. I think since she's been alive she's spent one night out of our bed (this was the first, when we both hadn't slept for more than a few hours each in a 72 hour period and so thought it best to try and get some solid sleep in (ha. as if that happpened)
The scheduled feeding times, the hourly gaps on different stages of her growth - babies get hungry, feed them, it's pretty simple. Why the NHS insist on giving you times you should feed because it builds the habit is just bollocks. Do what you feel is right and natural. Baby knows best.
Do you have those days where you arrive to work and just feel like you don't want to be there? Like you'd genuinely rather be at home cleaning out the shed and cleaning out the under sink cupboard you want to be there so little, well if you've had one of those days before, imagine it again, times it by 1000 and it still isn't in the same league as the first day back after having a baby. Something I thought would ease with time, but every day I walk out the front door, I feel so alone for about 10 hours before I come back and see my family sitting on the sofa ready for bed. Every bit of me screams for me to quit work and find a way to spend every passing moment with my child as she grows, but every bit of my knows I need to work to support her. The biggest incentive for me to stay just happens to be the only reason I want to leave. She's a clever girl, has me wrapped around her little finger (and my god are her fingers little) already.
When you become a Dad there's one thing you should be prepared for, people are no longer interested in what you've done at the weekend, what you'll be doing that evening or really how you are in general. Your conversations will revolve around your child's health, how often they cry, sleep, eat, poo, wee... Your partner's health, how often she sleeps, if she's lost the weight, how is she feeling, is she still knackered. Occasionally you'll be asked how you are, but this'll be the last question and they are for more likely to be thinking about your baby than you're predictable reply of 'yeah, I'm alright, pretty tired but think I'm Blah blah blah blah blah baby blah blah her little smiles and sneezes blah blah'
The hardest experience of all though is watching the person you love go through labour. Watching someone scream with pain, hit walls of dispair and cry and howl is so harrowing just think know, and really take it in, NOTHING you do will prepare you for that, no matter how often you watch one born every minute, or, don't just stand there, you wont feel it until you are there, the whole labour process though is good for translating across to those first nights with your baby she lies in your arms screaming, little red face all scrunched up and big weepy eyes occasionally opening to look at you, and you have no idea why she's crying, you can't make her stop. the patting on the back is doing nothing and everything you've seen other parents do has jumped from your head. you're on your own.
But eventually, the crying does cease, these tired little just off blue eyes open up and gaze in to yours and a sign of relief and silence falls across you and you look into this raw beauty that loves you without knowing you and you love without knowing. Her head bounces on your chest in beat with your breathing and it feels like you are alone in the world, living only for this moment. You look at the clock, 2 hours have passed since you got in to bed, you close your eyes and focus on the way her hands grap at your finger and you notice the skip in her breath as she inhales, and starts to scream all over again. Have a good night!
No comments:
Post a Comment